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Why Porn SUCKS (and not well.)

October 10, 2010
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Photo by Vanessa Zoyderberg, courtesy of Flickr

“Watch lots of porn” is pretty high on the list of things that sound like a good job description, until you have to do it. I realize that now, after watching hours of porn in an attempt to curate a collection that will get women hot and horny and happy. It’s not working, even for me. If I hear one more woman say, “that’s right stud, slide that fucking cock into my tight little ass” while some greased-up guy with his socks and shoes on contorts his face as if he’s taking the biggest dump of his life, I think I might vomit. Or give up sex. Or stop watching porn.

 

So here I am, trying to curate a collection of porn for women to have on the new site that we’re building. Our goal is to inspire women to discover their own sexuality and have fun with it. Porn is a useful tool, for a lot of reasons. It can, in the right situations, be a turn on. It can be a conversation starter. It can be a fun – and funny – thing to do together. (And for women, who get “hot” in their heads, it can be a way to get hot quickly. My ex and I used to lie in bed with his laptop and watch porn to kick the night off, because it could get me “ready” with less foreplay, and sometimes, that’s good for everyone.)

I think that watching porn can do two very important things that nothing else can really do.

  1. Porn can provide a safe place for women to be voyeurs into the incredible diversity of sexual possibility – without anyone pressuring them to do something or be something that they’re not. They can watch it in the privacy of their own home, and simply by doing so the horizons of sexual possibility broaden.
  2. Porn can also be a good instruction manual or security blanket of sorts. Imagine that you want to try something new – whether it’s a 3some or anal sex or anything else – but you really don’t know how it works. Watching videos of people doing it can help you get your head around how it might work, and show you that, yes, it is possible to get THAT in THERE.

So I want women to watch more porn. And I’m not alone. The adult industry has been trying to crack this nut (so to speak) for ages. And sure, there are a lot of women watching porn, in increasing numbers. But there are more who aren’t. In all our focus groups and conversations with women, we found that the vast majority of them do not like porn. They don’t watch it, they don’t want to.

Hmmmm. Why?

Because, for the most part, porn is made by and for men. There are entire sections of book stores dedicated to the fact that men and women think differently, so this does not bode well for our love lives, our sex lives, our the goal of getting more women to watch porn that is made by and for men. And no, it’s not as easy as watching “porn for women,” or even “porn by women,” because that implies that women are a homogenous group, which we’re not. There are three women on our team, and our taste is VERY different – to the point of some of us actually being turned OFF by the stuff that turns some of us ON.

That said, there are some pretty obvious things that, after watching a ton of porn in the last 24 hours, I feel that I can safely say, on behalf of most women, SUCK, about most of the porn on the market.

  1. Men want to fantasize about chicks they can’t really have, women want to fantasize about being wanted for who they really are. Most men are turned on by stereotypically hot bodies, and most women in porn have those Barbie-bodies that normal women don’t have. Men get turned on. Women feel insecure, inadequate, like they can’t live up. Having your lover talk about how hot some body THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOURS is, is not a turn on. Feeling insecure is the opposite of feeling hot.
  2. Do those people know anything about the female body? The things that are done to women in porn – sometimes by other women, but mostly because men like watching it – are ridiculous. Taking your tongue and flopping around the general area of where a woman’s clit might be, as if you’re trying to get beer foam off your chin, IS NOT HOT. Seeing that will immediately cause any woman to think, “that wouldn’t even feel good,” and remind her that most men have no flippin’ idea how the clitoris works. Put that in porn, and we’re out. (Hint? The clitoris is like a little tiny penis. It has a shaft and a head, most of which is hidden. Think about what feels good on your cock, both with hands and blow jobs, and do that… confused? Ask your woman – you’ll get more great sex just for asking than you ever will for trying to imitate a porn star!)
  3. What’s with all the talking? Seriously.  Shut the fuck up. Moaning and groaning and grunting is great. The basic directional – even really bossy – is great. But the non-stop dialog about what you’re doing, where, why, how, is just ridiculous. Guess what, I know your cock is in my pussy, you don’t need to tell me that. If you do need to, we have other problems. Ironically, I love dirty talking, personally, but criminey, not nonstop! And don’t get me started on the inane dialog and inane plots that involve the pizza man, the bank loan officer, the concerned gynecologist etc….  For the sake of all that is sexy, give it up. Just show great sex. (Unless you are actually going to put in totally the wrong sound track, because that’s hysterical, especially when you hear the loud “thwack” of a paddle and no one in the film has a paddle.)
  4. Where are the real people? The only time dialog does work is when it’s real. Which is when porn works the best anyway. More good amateur stuff, please. Which also removes a lot of the “predatory ick” that many women get from the porn industry in the first place, but that’s another subject.
  5. Men, take off your shoes. Seriously. I get that women look sexy in heels and thigh-highs and what not. But I’m telling you, no guy looks hot with hairy legs, gym socks and sneakers. (Though it is better than hairy legs, black socks and dress shoes.) You’re telling me that with everything that goes into making a porn film, you can’t clean a floor well enough that a guy is comfy taking his shoes off? (Especially since said guy is sticking his….  Well, you know.)

Given the sorry state of porn, I do have some simple steps to get you started with semi-successful-porn-pleasure.

  1. Turn the volume off. (Which sucks, because hot sex sounds are HOT, but inane dialog is not.)
  2. Watch it with a partner, and be prepared to laugh. That can be a great bonding experience, and you never know what will happen. (Bonus points for watching it in the kitchen, because one great way to zip up your sex life is get out of the bedroom.)
  3. Critique it. Seeing something you don’t like is a great way to learn what you do like. Especially if you’re watching with a partner. Any conversation that starts with, “I dunno about that, but it might be more fun if…..” is going to enhance your sex life.

Even if it’s not perfect, watch more porn, have more conversations about sex, learn new things & try new things. In the mean time, I’m going to keep trying to find a bunch of good porn for you. See what I do? I’m sacrificing my own sex life for yours! (Besides, my guy and I both like boobs, and I’m not blessed with much in that department, and thankfully neither is he. So he can have all of my fabulous assets AND we can have some boobs to look at, best of all worlds. And that’s how porn can work!)

10 Comments leave one →
  1. dragonfly permalink
    June 11, 2013 2:32 am

    a lot of this is right on… except that I actually like the high-budget porn that looks pretty and gives a nod toward having a plot…(Fashionistas, Pirates, etc…) But yeah… porn guys… you gotta take off the shoes and socks!

    • Alyssa Royse permalink*
      June 11, 2013 5:22 am

      Oh man, I love Fashionistas. But that’s definitely an exception in the general “don’t bother with plot” rule in my head. That’s more than a plot, it’s an actually storyline, with sub arcs and everything!

      • June 15, 2013 5:43 am

        the solution to porn that doesn’t serve us well, is – if we want it – porn that does serve us well, yes?

        we’re working with quiet, loving focus in this area (among others)… more on that soon ;)

        meantime, please take a look at our site debut @ http://www.Sex-Positive.com

        everybody’s contribution and participation is welcomed, we hope to have a collabortive platform up soon!

        Alyssa, we have respect for the work you’ve been doing! We would very much like to hear any thoughts/responses you may have to our working definition for sex positivity.

        aloha all!

  2. Spencer4Hire permalink
    August 26, 2012 1:32 pm

    Thanks sister. You tell it like it is!!

  3. Anonymous permalink
    July 26, 2012 12:47 pm

    I want to watch clips from various movies and all I get is porn.They call these pigs celebs.Not likely .there are hollywood sex scenes and nudity the rest is porn.Is there a site to just see real movie scenes

  4. Chris permalink
    January 13, 2012 10:50 pm

    You hit the nail on the head. I could fuck better than 95% of porn stars out there.
    I just think women deserve more than to be treated like sex slaves.
    Respect the pussy. Come get some.

  5. December 26, 2011 8:23 pm

    I mean no disrespect really, but I just have to comment on your article. I do know for a fact the women are high to get through it. I have known one of the owners of a large porn company in Chatsworth (the porn capitol of the world) who said by the time the girls are 19 they are all used up and too old. I think that is really sad. They contract a lot of diseases. I just don’t think girls at that age understand the reprecussions it will have on them after, with their families or future children or husband. I am not trying to make absolutes that every woman will have a bad experience after filming one and turning into woman who wants a future and be loved, but I would imagine the majority will. That’s all I have to say about that.

  6. an often unheard male sentinment permalink
    March 10, 2011 4:11 pm

    Why in the h-ll are you trying to get women to support an industry that profits off of and encourages stereotypes,racial tensions and also sexual violence toward women ?? Why should women (and even men) support vomit like that.No and im not a religious nut-not even close.

    BTW,The big LIE also is that all men (or even most)view porno–women who think this are really clueless.Just because some guys are vocal about liking that crap is not any indicator whatsoever that MOST guys view it.Its repititious,stupid and imo dreck…but whatever.

  7. October 11, 2010 6:40 am

    Haha, this is great and right on. The only thing I’d have to disagree with is I enjoy watching porn where the women are in fact “attainable.” For me at least in my own warped mind.

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