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Yes, you are as responsible as he is….

December 9, 2016

nbc-fires-donald-trump-after-he-calls-mexicans-rapists-and-drug-runnersI’ve been trying, and mostly failing, to come up with a calm and reasonable way to explain why it is that YES, Trump supporters are as racist and bigoted as he is.

But, people say, I voted for change, I am not sexist, racist, homophobic etc….. I hear you. I even believe you. And I’m not really all that mad at you. But you need to understand what you’ve done with that vote, and why you are responsible for everything that happens as a result.

You voted for it. You chose it. You wanted it.

You elected it.

So I keep returning to 2 different ideas, neither of which perfectly nail the analogy, but both of which come close. I return to them in imaginary conversations with the very few (2, I think) people I know who voted for him. People who I know to be good, kind people who would offer pretty much anyone the shirt off their back. (If either of you are reading this, I believe it to be true, very much so.)

First is simply law. You can, in fact, be held accountable for the actions of someone who you helped commit a crime. Murder for hire is too obvious an example, but there it is. (Not saying the Grand Wizard of Orange is committing a crime.) Your responsibility can vary. He stole your gun without your knowing and shot someone in cold blood, you’re still in trouble. But if you knew he was angry, threatening to kill someone and you gave him a gun, you’re a full-on accessory to murder. You don’t get to say “I didn’t really think he’d do it.” Your ass would be in jail.

Likewise, you don’t get to scream “FIRE” in a crowded room and then not be held responsible when the crowds trample a couple people to death in the ensuing mayhem. And yes, I would compare the hate speech that Darth Cheeto and his folks are spewing as akin to yelling “fire” on a social scale. If you voted for him, you yelled fire. I mean, it may have been a whisper to the folks standing next to you, “guys, I think we’re on fire,” and they may have panicked and yelled at the top of their lungs, causing things to foment, but you still said it. You still kicked it off. You are still part of making it happen. Whether your boot was the one extinguishing someone else’s life or not. So there’s that. You are responsible in both cases.

The other one is a little more “benefit of the doubt,” which I struggle with. But say you have a friend that you’ve known kinda well for a while. You like the guy, you hang out with him, he’s your people. He has jumped your car when you battery was dead, and there was that one time that he hooked you up with a job with his cousin when you were out of work. You genuinely like him.

One night, y’all are drinking or whatever, you’re cracking up about stuff, then he tells you that he beats his wife. He doesn’t say it all directly, but, you know, she was questioning why he was out so late or some such, so he walloped her one and she shut up.

You have a hard time reconciling this with the fact that you like him, he’s helped you out. So you have some dissonance there, but ignore it, because you’re human and that’s messy.

Time passes, you’re out again, and he mentions that at this point, the wallops are daily. “Reminders,” he calls them, so she doesn’t forget who’s in charge. But he also mentions that he bought her a new car and always brings her flowers on pay day. So he’s still a good guy, you tell yourself.

I mean, you’ve wanted to hit people before. You get it. We all have, it’s human, right?

Time passes, and you hear that his wife was in the hospital with some pretty serious injuries that were from falling down the stairs. And CPS is threatening to take their kids away because a teacher reported strange bruising on their oldest.

Part of you wants to call CPS and speak up. I mean, you know he’s abusive. But you don’t want to intervene. I mean, who are you to judge? Right? And he’s a nice guy, he just has a temper, he’s not a wife-beater, per se. He’s not an abuser, right?

And then you hear that he shot his wife.

(You had loaned him your gun, oh my god, you thought he was going hunting. You were mislead! You now, it retrospect, realize that he’s told you for ages that he was violent, and you ignored it. You feel like shit. What are you going to do????? You thought he was okay, but now someone is dead and you’ve been brought into this! FUCK!)

You absolutely know in your gut that you could have and should have done something. You could have called him out ages ago. You could have called the cops. She died because you couldn’t make the leap that someone you liked, who kind of reminded you of you, was a violent abuser. You couldn’t link the behavior to the label.

People who abuse other people are abusers. People who say and support racist systems are racist.

When you do not intervene, you support those systems. You are racist, whether you mean to be or not. When you hire someone who tells you directly that they are racist, sexist and homophobic, and you can see from their past performance that it’s true, and you hire them anyway, you are inherently and directly hiring that behavior. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.

And you, also, can be fairly described by that behavior. In both a court of law and a court of public opinion. That is totally fair.

You don’t get to watch other people be harmed and have their rights stripped from them by the person you hired to run the country on your behalf and not claim responsibility for it.

It’s okay to say that you didn’t understand that when you were casting your vote. It really is. It’s okay to say “I see it differently now, I learned.” In fact, there are no better words to be spoken ever. The glory of the human brain – and perhaps the human heart – is that it can take in new information and change.

But what we can’t change is the past. And we can’t even really change ourselves until we admit it. I desperately want to create a safe place for people to say “shit, I didn’t see it. I didn’t want to see it. I see it now.”

That’s probably a dream.

But no, I won’t let you off the hook if you voted for him. You are racist and sexist and homophobic and voted for policies that will result in serious harm to others. You did it.

You are responsible for it. You voted for it. You are it.

The question is, what will you do now that you get it?


* I originally jotted this out quickly as a Facebook note. If that format makes you happier, you can find it here. 


Can We Stop With This “Divine Feminine” Stuff Now?

November 6, 2016

The gentle and compassionate Kali, being feminine.

With any luck – and a whole lot of blood, sweat, tears and tequila – in 2 days, the US will dodge the terror of Fruity Pebble Fascism  and elect our FIRST Female President. I’ll be nervous until it happens, terrified actually, but in the depths of that terror, I’m  contemplating how it has brought out some of the more hidden detritus of toxic masculinity in our country.

No, not the fact that we call Hillary’s suits “pantsuits” instead of just suits. I mean, men wear the same fucking thing, but on lady-legs we have to give it a different name? (If Trump loses, do pants become “split-leg skirts?”) (By the way, when men wear their hair in a bun, it’s just a bun, not a “man bun.” Samesies.)  Read more…

A Day of Consent

October 21, 2016

14310365_10154609268520921_7281624264582892845_oIt started as it always does, “do you want some coffee?” My husband knows that I want coffee. I am not sure I have ever said “no” to coffee. And I know that if I lay in bed long enough and wait, pretending to not really be awake, he’ll bring me coffee. But he asks anyway. It’s a habit, at this point.

Later, he was going to make breakfast for himself, and he asked if I wanted breakfast. I didn’t. So he made breakfast for himself. I drank coffee and talked to him while he ate. But he asked. Read more…

Competition Day Packing List

October 12, 2016

10679651_10152963182815921_1397908649239439992_oWe have 22 athletes competing in the Festivus Games this weekend. For many of them it’s their first competition, and the idea of packing for it is as daunting as the idea of just doing the damned thing. (Personally, I find packing harder, there’s no one there to cheer you on, and if you are the goob who forgot your shoes, there’s not a whole lot of “way to give it your best effort” that’s gonna make up for it.)  So, here’s my general approach: pack like you’re going camping. Which means, make sure you have everything you need, and nothing you don’t.

I generally break it into two big bags. My gym bag, and my food bag. You basically want to assume you’re going to the moon because it will be unorganized, running late and you will not likely be able to swing by some cute little café to get food.

Having spent the last too-many years living at competitions of various sorts, I have this down to a science. Here’s how I do it: Read more…

What’s The Difference Between “Keto” and Whole 30?

September 4, 2016

Breakfast bowl! Cabbage, pork, salsa, avocado and egg. Keto & Whole 30 compliant.

It’s that time of year again. That time, which comes 3 times a year for us at Rocket CrossFit, when dozens of us will band together for a Nutritional Challenge. We used to always do a Whole 30 Challenge, but for the last year, we’ve had several members – Brady and I included – do a Low-Carb, High-Fat plan instead, which is commonly called “keto.” In fact, since doing my first keto challenge 9 months ago, I’ve not gone back. I take vacations off, but other than that, I’ve felt so good, and found it so easy, that I’ve not stopped.

But, what is the difference between Whole 30 (and “paleo”) and a ketogenic diet? Read more…

Hero WODs & The Politics Of Our Gym

September 2, 2016

Luke CageThe first Friday of every month means Hero WODs and champagne at Rocket. Those aren’t the only Hero WODs we do, but it’s definitely a special day for us. And after 5 years or so of programming, we got a little bored, and maybe a little jaded, about them. So we switched it up, and, as always, we got a response.

Backing up, there is a long tradition in CrossFit of writing Hero WODs to honor those killed in the line of duty. It’s a tradition that we also honor, and I have posted more profiles of fallen soldiers than I care to think about. Because I hate the fact that we keep sending our young across the planet to die in wars that are so often unjust and so often motivated by greed. (And then sent home, and too often neglected until they decay on our streets…..) That said, honoring the individuals that sacrifice their lives for our country is not something that is hard for me. I try to honor them every chance I get. I have always liked the Hero WODs, and I still do.  Read more…

CrossFit Games Gets Sponsored By A Gun Company, and the comments restore my faith in humanity

July 13, 2016

wp-1468469490910.pngI’m sure I’ll be back soon with a long and scathing commentary about the awfulness of The CrossFit Games getting a sponsorship from Glock, and offering GUNS as prizes to the winners of the Games….

I mean…. WHAT THE FUCK. They combat the public health risk of Coca-Cola, and then give out guns as prizes. Nevermind that there is no connection between fitness and guns. Or that we are, as a country, mourning countless innocent people killed at the hands of yahoos with guns…..

And now, as affiliate owners, we are having this brand association connected to us. As if Dave Castro’s moron programming and endless homophobic, sexist douchebaggery weren’t enough for us to explain. “We’re not like that,” many of us have been assuring people for years. And now this.

I have already had a member ask me how my affiliate fee goes to promote gun violence in this country. WHAT THE FUCK? Read more…

Don’t Tell Me To Relax (and other reasons I don’t do yoga…)

June 17, 2016

10371931_10152624149170921_7456316836602545054_nThe minute you tell me to relax, center my energy, find peace in some fucking place in my body that is currently itching and maybe even has a rash, I will want to cut you, and that is not relaxing. (Seriously, don’t tell me how to feel, okay?) I am happy to try and contort myself into any position you want, because playing with bodies is pretty much my favorite thing in the world, and it feels good, which is probably why I tried yoga yet again, but why are you telling me how I should feel about it?

I feel about most yoga classes the same way I feel about Fitspo propaganda: it’s guilt inducing bullshit designed to trap you in a slow slink to idealized conformity that is soul-crushing and body-harming and fuck you very much.

There seems to  be this myth in the yoga world that “centered” looks like one thing, and is the goal. Or that “peace” is a thing you can achieve while licking your navel, or that “stillness” is where all the magic is, or…  And while I honestly believe that for some people, that’s the way it works, to approach a class of people and assume that same goal for everyone is no better than me approaching a class of CrossFitters and saying “if you work hard enough, you too can have a bikini body some day.”

Read more…

What To Say When You Find Out Your Kid’s A Rapist

June 5, 2016
Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 8.26.44 PM

Brock Turner was convicted of violently raping an incapacitated woman, but his father, Dan, thinks his loss of appetite is enough punishment.

I’m a parent. I know what it’s like to worry, sometimes irrationally, about the horrors that could befall my kid. I have imagined everything from kidnapping to cancer, miscarriage to….. well, let’s just say that in my mind I have already nursed her through every injury, illness and personal tragedy that my very-creative mind can come up with.

I haven’t prepared for the possibility that she could be the perpetrator of horror on someone else’s child. But, thanks to Dan Turner, the clueless fuck of a father who raised Brock Turner, the aspiring young athlete who raped a drunk woman behind a dumpster when she was passed out, I have now thought that through too.

And I think I have a grasp on what I would say if I found out my kid was a rapist. Read more…

Why I Will Never Push You To Be The Best Athlete You Can Be

June 3, 2016


1398046_10153007485050921_6591550970884374896_oMy daughter, who is a certified coach twice over, is learning to coach. (No, being certified is not the same thing as knowing what you’re doing.) She was shadowing me the other night, and pointed out an athlete who could be “doing so much more.” She asked, as a good student would, how she should approach it.

“Don’t,” I told her. “It doesn’t matter.”

I am not someone who believes in pushing people to do things they don’t want to do. Even our beloved members at Rocket.

I mean, I’ll push them a little. I’ll nudge them to show up. I’ll tell them to keep going when they look like they want to stop. But why would I care if one of them is only back-squatting 80 pounds when I know they could totally be doing 120?

I don’t care. Because they don’t care.

I have a gym full of people who could be doing more. They could try harder, they could get more weight or more reps or more whatever. Read more…