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Embracing Aging With A Big Wet Kiss

April 15, 2015
Helen and Debra from Advanced Style. These ladies sum up everything that I think matters about aging, and I doubt they wake up thinking "if only I didn't have that wrinkle." www.advancedstyle.blogspot.com

Helen and Debra from Advanced Style. These ladies sum up everything that I think matters about aging, and I doubt they wake up thinking “if only I didn’t have that wrinkle.”

I spend every day in a gym with people, trying to get them out of their heads and into their bodies. Over the last several years, I’ve come to trust that there is a handful of questions – or misguided statements – that I will get asked every day. EVERY. DAMNED. DAY.

“Will I get bulky?”  “I don’t know if I can do that.”  “Will I lose weight?”And, of course, “I just want to be able to do the things I could do when I was younger.”

Ummmmm, sorry. Reversing time: It’s not a thing.

We are a culture obsessed with youth. We’re obsessed with smooth and tight and skinny and bright and… We’re obsessed with things that don’t exist. Santa. The Easter Bunny. Boobs that point to the sun from any position. We need to switch our focus, to an obsession with wisdom, joy and embarrassing our children with tales of the raucous (and occasionally raunchy) stories of our youth as a way to remind them to go out and live a little. You live once. The goal is to collect as many stories as you can, until the day you die.

Look, I cannot help you go back in time. What I can help you do is completely rock the age that you are. I can help you live your life longer, and filled with strength, power and joy.

So, I have good news and bad news: Read more…

True Confession: I Kinda Hate Working Out.

April 5, 2015
Me, all like, "ugh, why?" And Brady in the back, all like, "Hello world, I embrace you."

Me, all like, “ugh, why?” And Brady in the back, all like, “Hello world, I embrace you.”

Every now and then, we wake up in our deliciously comfortable bed, and my husband looks at me with that look in his eye. I fear this look, because I know what’s coming. “You know what would be awesome today?” he asks. And I think, “an all day Will Ferrell movie marathon interrupted only for food and sex. All in bed, this bed, right here.” I don’t say it outloud though, because I know his answer is “working out doing crazy shit that no sane person would do, much less enjoy.” Only with different words, that’s just what it sounds like to me when he says it.

My daughter is the same way. I’m surrounded by it.

But, if we’re being honest, I’m totally not that way. At all. Unless I’m really angry, I pretty much never feel like working out. It’s my drug of choice when I’m really angry, other than that, I can usually think of a million things, shy of the dentist, that I’d rather be doing. Read more…

Easy Homemade Peeps (& Poops)

April 4, 2015
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Homemade Easter Peeps and Poops. POOPS!

I crack myself up. I am often the only one laughing. I will do almost anything to amuse myself. But, I mean, guys, Easter Poops! These aren’t your ordinary brightly colored Peeps. No way. They’re homemade, coffee-flavored, cocoa covered Easter Poops!  (Okay, I made Peeps too, because I had so much marshmallow, I had to. And then I wished I hadn’t made them coffee flavored, because there is something weird about a bright pink think being coffee flavored, but oh well.)

Start to finish, one hour. Though I haven’t tried to clean the sugar off of everything yet. (It’s spring, the sugar ants will surely get to it soon.)

INGREDIENTS Read more…

One Diet That Will Help You Feel Better About Your Body

March 25, 2015
One Diet

Finally, a diet that will really work!

This was written as part of the Stronger In Seattle series that I am doing with New Day Northwest. Please watch the hysterical video, in which I do a plank on the coffee table, talking about this article. 

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Spring has sprung. Or, at least it’s springing. The Crocus are blooming, Tulips and Daffodils have sent up scouts to scour for nascent sunshine, and the magazines have exploded with a kaleidoscope of ways to tell us we’re too fat to be ready for summer. Certainly to be seen in a bathing suit.

Yup, summer is on its way, and we aren’t ready.

Fortunately, there are solutions. There are clothes you can buy that will hide your unworthy body parts. There is a diet you can go on to lose that unsightly fat. There is finally an exercise program that will make you look like a supermodel. There’s a pill you can take to change your metabolism. And luckily for you, you have a friend who is selling a new product that will roll back the clock and put doctors out of business because it unlocks ancient secrets that can change your DNA and the establishment doesn’t want you to know about it, but your friend does.

I don’t buy it. And neither should you. Read more…

Sweat and Happy Thoughts Can’t Cure Depression

March 10, 2015
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Insert your own metaphor here, something about struggles and burdens and overcoming. Really, it’s my daughter, doing hard things.

I am a trainer. I train muscles, mostly. I am fortunate enough to have a couple hundred people who trust me with their bodies, and I take that very seriously. I approach it with the same “first do no harm” goal that a good doctor would.

We talk, obsessively, about injury prevention. About knowing, respecting and sometimes pushing your boundaries. We talk about the difference between being “in shape” (a term that is hopelessly entwined in the culture of body-shaming) and being “fit” (which means ready and able to do anything you want to do with your body, safely and functionally.)

But we talk about other stuff too. In the 3 years that we’ve owned a gym, I can safely say that every week I talk to our members about: divorce, love, shame, PTSD, body-shame, fear, death of loved ones, work / life balance, eating disorders, anxiety, severe depression, addiction, gender identity and why those big vibrators have 3 parts that vibrate and look like they go “somewhere.” Okay, the vibrator thing only happened one time, but some form of every single one of these subjects comes up every single week. I do a lot of listening. Read more…

The High Cost Of Being A Writer, Or Not.

February 19, 2015

10604019_10153245607905921_5344564216636904080_oWriters know how dangerous we are. Or how dangerous you think we are. We know that just knowing us has the risk of exposing you to the world, no matter the perspective from which you look at that sentence. We know the clear and present danger of our words on your perception of the world, and your perception of how the world perceives you. We know that you fear finding yourself or losing yourself or watching our words wash you of pretense, only to leave you under a microscope or a magnifying glass or alone in a mob unable to hide or be found. We know that knowing us feels like a risk.

We know.

We know what we risk.

We risk being a Typhoid Mary. Or metaphor Mary, or whatever it is that means you don’t want to connect with us. Or just that we know you’ll never see it the same way we do. Which is a different kind of being alone. That the connections and rhythms and haunting phrases are real only in our own “beautiful minds.”

We know we risk being alone, all the time. And that we are, anyway. Read more…

DIY Wedding On The Cheap & Awesome

February 19, 2015
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The whole scene, from behind the scenes

I kid you not, you can ask anyone who was there, Brady and my wedding was the most fun wedding ever. (Except, of course, your own, which I hope you had – or have – an even better time at.) Our goal with our wedding was simple: Have as much fun as is humanly possible. But we also wanted to do it on the cheap, because, well, why spend a ton of money on one event, when…..

Seriously, the average cost of a wedding in the US is more than $28,ooo. That’s insane. And a lot of it is spent on crap that lasts exactly one night, but gets paid for on credit for years to come (which would drive that cost up exponentially, because interest is an exponential multiplier that should be avoided at all, well, costs.) Read more…

Why I Really Want A Pete Carroll Jersey

January 20, 2015
This guy, right here, needs to be League MVP.

This guy, right here, needs to be League MVP.

Okay, I’ve gone on record as kinda hating the NFL. My relationship with the game, for the last 40+ years has been, “I don’t get it,” at best. I have gone on record complaining about the callous treatment of player’s bodies, the appalling treatment of cheerleaders, the offensive fact that the NFL is a non-profit, and the hero-worship of football players that allows them to get away with all sorts of illegal behavior because we cast them as demi-gods and their will is more important than laws or the rights of others, mostly women, who they act upon. Read more…

No Excuses, But A Lot Of Reasons

January 17, 2015

6packHere we go again. Yet another “no excuses” mom needs us to laud her 6-pack abs as she shames the rest of us for not looking like her. As a trainer, and a gym-owner, these things make me cringe. They are not inspirational, except that they inspire rage in me with an intensity that few other things can. They are amongst the most harmful things out there, if what we’re really trying to do is inspire people to be strong and healthy. And happy. Read more…

Jimmy Fallon, Nicole Kidman and the Trap of Tropes

January 8, 2015
Even the beautiful and famous people get totally tongue-tied when their loins are tingling.

Even the beautiful and famous people get totally tongue-tied when their loins are tingling.

Yes, I watched the video in which Jimmy Fallon found out, 10 years too-late, that Nicole Kidman mighta kinda sorta “like LIKED” him. And it was totally adorable. Probably because it triggered in most of us the memory of that feeling. The butterflies, the anticipation, the realization that something might happen. Even better, the reminder that even though some got away, many of us found something that is wonderful beyond our initial dreams, our crushes and unrequited romances…. And life just works.

And yes, it was totally adorable to see that people who “have it all” can, and still do, get totally tongue-tied….. At its core, that’s the baseline humanity stuff that unites us all. Hopes, dreams, love, lust, fear, reward, rejection, redemption….. Good stuff. But…. Read more…

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