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How Not To Pick Up A (this) Chick

November 4, 2010

Let’s be clear about something. I am not young enough to take for granted that every guy in the room will want me. But I am not old enough to need to prove that I can get the attention of someone, anyone, even if he is carrying all of his belongings with him in a black garbage bag.

Okay, it’s flattering and all, I’ll admit it. BUT, let’s lay down some ground rules.

1. If a chick is intently focused on working – as evidenced by rapidly moving fingers along a keyboard and the fact that she is not looking up, at all, and startles when you say something to her – trying to pick her up is probably going to backfire for one simple reason. You are rude.

However, if you must say something…

2. Don’t start with something that sounds vaguely legit, like, say, “I need to thank you for something,” and follow it up with a total ploy like, “for being so incredibly cute.” Here’s why that’s an ass move. It’s a trap. The chick pretty much HAS to say “for what” to the opening line, and then she’s stuck. Yes, it’s kinda genius on your part, you’re virtually guaranteed a response, but it’s an asshole move. Seriously. (And, by the way, over the top flattery is usually a bad move. We all know exactly how cute we are, being overly flattering is just slimy and see-through, in a used condom sort of way, not a sexy lingerie sort of way.)

But, if you must use an asshole, guaranteed response line…

3. Do not just sit yourself down at her table  just because she uttered 2 words in response to your well slung question trap. That’s beyond presumptuous, and verification that, as supposed in point 1, you are rude. (Especially if, in so doing, you deposit a black garbage bag of belongings on the table and jostle her tea enough that it might have spilled on her laptop, which, just guessing, a rude dude with garbage luggage isn’t going to be prepared to replace for her.)

But, if you must sit down at her table….

4. Ask if she has time, if she’s busy, if you can share the table. Then, I dunno, listen to the answer. So if, for instance, she says, “I have a meeting in 5 minutes and really need to finish something up,” then kindly get the fuck out of the way. I know it’s counter-intuitive, but if you’re cute and polite and seem interesting, there is a chance she’ll seek you out after her meeting. Do not pout and say, “but I have some important questions for you.” (Clearly, these seem important to you, it is unlikely they will seem important to her.)

But, if you must ask her questions…

5. Don’t ask her questions that sound like they came from the Preschool Penthouse Primer. If your goal is to actually engage the chick, enough that she thinks you’ll be interesting, then questions like, “which would you choose, raspberries or chocolate” aint gonna do the trick. You will have proven that you are not only rude, and dangerously slinging things around in a garbage bag, but also trying to relive some moment in an R rated movie from the 80’s when the guy in the flick got the chick, but you got squat. Stuff like that makes you seem totally lecherous and gross, which isn’t gonna dig you out of the hole you already dug for yourself.

If the dialog is still going on at this point, rest assured, you have proved yourself to be such a twat that she is interested not in YOU, but in plumbing the depths of your twatitude just to see how bad it gets, so she can tell her friends about it. If, at this point, she says, “you have 3 minutes, then my meeting is starting and I never want to see you again,” she is not flirting, really. This is not “hard to get,” this is “I can’t believe this guy is real.”

It’s time to up your game.

6. Make sure that your line of questioning gets more interesting, not less. Just as an example, if you are going to pepper a chick with a line of either / or questions that are all vaguely sexual, shake it up a bit, maybe throw in a “Ganesha or Kali.” You know, elephant trunk or fiery hot woman? That could be sexual, just not in a Micky Rourke  & Kim Bassinger way, and would show that you had a brain and a bit of creativity.

If she then tells you to please leave her alone so she can finish her work before her meeting starts, then, I dunno, go away! Don’t linger until her meeting actually starts. Don’t be sitting there, with your garbage bag on the table, when her meeting arrives.

And for goodness sake, don’t give the guy she’s meeting a knowing glance as if you’re trying to figure out what kind of meeting it is, or get permission to come back, or….  Cause she’s not property, you’re not a pioneer and you don’t get to stake your claim. And HE sure as shit isn’t in a position to give you permission to do anything with / to / near her.

And by the way, that guy, the meeting? He makes really cool products. And she’s helping him develop them. And the prototypes he brought her, they could hurt you. In kind of a Kali meets Ganesha sort of way, that no one would make a studio film about.

(Not that it matters any more, but you were kind of cute, except for the long hair, which is a turn off, except that it did show impeccable grooming habits, which is a turn on. So if you hadn’t been so persistent, I totally would have found you when my meeting was over. Because, well, I’m not above the random pick up. One of the greatest loves of my life was a coffee-shop pick up. But he recited Spanish Poetry to me and actually sat at my table, pretending to be my boyfriend, to rescue me from a long-haired ranting fool who was trying to hit on me….)

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