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69 and A Side Of Fries

February 1, 2011

In the last couple days, I have found myself discussing sex with friends and comparing it with McDonalds, which is weird, because I love sex, but I hate McDonalds. Most of the time. Sometimes it’s the other way around.

The girlfriend conversations are all the same. We’re old enough to know what’s good for us. Brains, stability, no drama, no games, no dogma….  We want to be valued and trusted and blah blah blah, all that grown-up shit.

And let’s be clear, we really do want those things, and are willing to put in the necessary energy to get them. But dude, that’s a long road. And it’s filled with peril, potholes, not to mention the occasional pot-belly and pot-head. Sometimes it’s dark, you’re tired, and for fuck’s sake (literally,) you just want a goddamned Big Mac to tide you over. It’s not like you’re going to give up balanced meals forever, and you’d prefer a 4-star steak house, but you need a snack. It’s okay.

Sometimes the special sauce and some fresh buns are just the thing to tide you over on your journey. Road food for the soul.

The problem comes when you mistake this for a reasonable diet plan, and forget to get back on the road to healthy relationships. I had to cut myself off from Tall Dark and Dreamy because, frankly, I was perfectly happy there. We both knew there was no hope of a real relationship – our worlds and value systems were in no way compatible. But, but, but…..  the special sauce! The buns! They were so yummy that I was forgetting that’s not really all I wanted.

Like all junk-food, it’s about moderation. It’s about staying healthy. It’s about getting back on the road to your real destination and not losing sight.

At the same time, we’ve lived long enough to know what we do and don’t want sexually. So, when we’re dating other adults, this comes up in conversation, and starts to feel like a menu. A menu that lots of people are ordering from, and it gets a little impersonal. And sticky.

So, there’s this guy who I think I am extraordinarily sexually compatible with. I do not yet know, because we are still TALKING about it. And TALKING about it. And TALKING about it. One of us, (me) is really sick of talking about it.

I suspect he’s met a lot of women who say they’re into X,Y and Z and then they get into a relationship and it turns out they were only saying they were into X, Y and Z in order to get him into a relationship. (If you are one of these women, please stop that shit, it messes things up for all of us, and it’s just dishonest, selfish and mean.)

At some point, it started to feel like all booty-call and no booty. So I said to him, basically, “look, I don’t know what I’m into with you until I get into it with you. I get into people, not sex acts. I don’t have a menu.”

A few days later, I was talking to another guy friend of mine (just a friend) and he was telling me how some woman was trying to impress him by talking about her kinks, as if this will lure him in. He was, as I am, kind of turned off by that. “What’s the point? “ He says to me. It’s like reading the final page of a novel first. Where’s the discovery, the exploration? And then he said it, “it’s like she was offering me a menu. That’s so impersonal.”

And that’s what it gets down to for me. If someone just has a checklist of acts that they want, then they can do those things with anyone, it has nothing to with me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sensational, but I guarantee you, there is someone out there who gives better blowjobs than I do, can squirt, and can stick a Christmas Tree up her ass. So if you’re just looking to be impressed with tricks and prowess, I will forever be competing with your fantasies and imagination. I will lose, every time.

However, if you can follow the chemistry, be open to whatever we discover together, because you’re high on OUR energy, because you’re crazy about ME, I’m all in. Because Christmas tree or no Christmas tree, I am the most amazing ME on the planet.

But what if….  What if you are in love, and have a great relationship with someone that you really value , and for whatever reason, he or she just won’t do that ONE THING (we’ll stick with the Christmas Tree, since that’s ridiculous) that you really need.

Obviously, I default to honesty at all times, and wish we could all talk openly about what we need before getting into relationships that don’t allow it. Or, create relationships that allow us to get our needs met, honestly, in other ways.

Which is where sex workers come in. I know people on all sides of this equation, and I have, really, the utmost respect and understanding for it. If you need to have a Christmas Tree in an ass in order to be fully satisfied, then finding a quick and easy way to pull off the road of your real life, get your need met, and then get back on track is probably the best way to handle it.

“Relationships” of a traditional nature are, indeed, messy. My friend explained to me that having a mistress was an option, but it would be so complicated. His sex worker was just easier. Cliché of all clichés, she’s in Vegas, he sees her when she’s there, there’s no drama.

I get it. I can easily get to the place where she is providing a service that enables him to stay in a marriage that he loves and values, but get his Christmas Tree need met. They both have a vested interest in discretion, it’s a quick drive-thru experience that happens only every now and then.

Now, let me clear on several points here. I do not now, and never will condone lying. I wish he was honest with his wife about his Christmas Tree need. I wish his wife would try the Christmas Tree thing (whatever it is.) But it’s not my place to judge.

Ironically, however, judging is where so many problems start. Which is why so many people lie to themselves, and then their partners, about what they really need. And so many needs go unmet. And then the lying starts……

And it gets me back to this place where we need to know what’s good for us. What makes us feel healthy and whole. And we need to talk openly and honestly about it with our partners. And we need to start it in a place of true intimacy, in which our priorities lie with ourselves, our partners and our relationship – in that order.

1. I will be true to myself and respect myself enough to get my needs met in a way that is honest and healthy and happy.
2. I will be true to my partner enough that I will help them get their needs met in a way that is honest and healthy and happy.
3. I will be true to our relationship enough that I will support exploration within it, but if I can’t serve it, I will let it evolve enough that we can each be happy – and form a new relationship that can survive in a form that feeds us. Even if it means we are better off as friends than lovers or spouses.

I like sex, a lot. And I need it in a relationship. I don’t have a menu, per se. But I do know the energy when I feel it. That this is a person I would trust in a dark alley, or if we were lost, or has the strength to fight off the bandits of fear and judgment that rob our souls blind. And I’m not compromising.

I have plenty of friends, and I can always have more. If I don’t have that kind of chemistry with someone, then they are not a suitable boyfriend. They are just a friend.

But, in the mean time, if we’re both hungry, and up for a detour, fully aware that’s all it is,  some special sauce just may hit the spot.

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