Skip to content

Entourage Explains Douches, Assholes and Other Men

September 19, 2011

I was recently talking to a guy I used to date about the meaning of the word “douche” when describing a guy. Besides making clear that I find it a repulsive term and generally question the intelligence of people who use it, I had to confess that it did, to me, have a very clear meaning. A “douche” is sort of a sub-species of asshole, clearly identifiable by things like excessive hair gel, body sprays, fancy car and disregard for women as anything other than tools of social masturbation. (As opposed to a garden variety asshole, who has a general disregard for all people other than himself or those who can help him gain increasingly higher social status.)

He asked if the “men” of Jersey Shore ( a show that neither of us have watched) are good examples of man-douches. Yes, they are, but they are hyberbolic. The “men” of Jersey Shore are to douche-men what Ren and Stimpy are to dogs and cats.

This led into further queries as to the differences of other types of men out there, like douches, but different, and how they can be identified. We quickly came up with the following terms that we hear thrown about to define men, and I tried to explain how they can be identified: Asshole, Douche, Tool, Bitch and Keeper.

While there is obviously overlap, they can generally be identified. It’s not always clean. Men are complex creatures, and like fine wine can have a primary flavor but be rich with subtle overtones and after tastes. (Stoners, for instance, have an after taste of bleach, but that’s a different subject.)  I tend to date assholes with subtle overtones of douche but the after-taste of a keeper that is enough to keep me thinking that “more” is a good idea. I am trying to stop that, so being able to identify them is key.

Later that night I was watching The Emmy’s, and Jane Lynch made the following joke: “People often wonder why I’m a lesbian. Ladies and Gentlemen, the cast of Entourage.” And I realized that before my eyes were not only 4 good reasons to become a lesbian (and one ray of hope,) but also perfect examples of an asshole, a douche, a tool, a bitch and a keeper.

1. THE ASSHOLE: ARI The asshole has a laser-like focus on the acquisition of wealth, power and pussy. Generally speaking, assholes are intelligent, which is what makes them such assholes; they knowingly behave in a way that will hurt other people in order to get what they want. There are as many of them that conform to society’s perceived norms as who eschew those norms completely. In both cases, they do so to the extreme, because they are better than everyone around them. They feel that the world owes them something, and are pretty much just here to collect. The asshole can be harder to identify based solely on visual cues because assholes can exist as geeks, rednecks, jocks, and any other sub-species of the human male.

There is a slightly more pernicious subset of the asshole that is actually very quiet about their assholery. They appear to be nice-guys, “keepers” even, until you realize that their kindness and generosity is a way to suck you in and manipulate you without you knowing it. They are passive aggressive, often “buying” people off by providing them access to something that only they can provide; they seem generous at first, but it’s just how they suck you in and then keep you stuck, hooked to what they’re giving you.

2. THE DOUCHE: TURTLE The douche is sort of a lost and pathetic creature, and is not as inherently cruel or manipulative as the asshole; mostly because he’s not smart enough about manipulating people to be. More than any other type, the douche can be identified by visual cues such as flashy expensive car, excessive branding on clothing and accessories, being overly groomed by too many stinky products, name-dropping and the presence of bling. The douche tries desperately to appear cool by adopting as many of society’s perceived norms as possible, and taking them to a cartoon-like extreme.

Like the garden-variety asshole, the douche is focused on the acquisition of wealth, power and pussy. The primary difference is that he doesn’t feel like the world owes it to him, he’s just catastrophically insecure and thinks that if he gets more of it than anyone else he will actually be “good enough,” and feel better. While Turtle is an extreme example of douchery, with his really cheezy clothes and expensive car, the more subtle variety of douche exists everywhere, especially in cities with a high percentage of tech-geeks who made a lot of money without actually having to do anything. They think they are smart and important because they have money and can prove that they have money, but really, they just got lucky and know it. They try to distract others so that they don’t figure that out.

The distinction between assholes and douches can be hard to make. It gets down to intent. Douches, at their core, are not mean people, they’re just douches.

3. THE TOOL: JOHNNY DRAMA The tool is a guy who can’t think for himself and in a desperate need to feel like he fits in will just do what he thinks the people around him want in order to gain acceptance. He does not have enough long-term focus to really develop a plan for the future, though he is constantly developing amazing plans that will be “the thing” that finally makes him. But he never does it, and is instead focused on just hanging on long enough to whatever situation he is in to gain acceptance and temporary security. These are the hapless henchmen of the assholes and douches.

They are sort of chameleons. If you meet them when they are hanging out with a bunch of partiers, they will fit right in with the partiers. If that’s not working for them, they will renounce it and surround themselves with people from a contrasting extreme, and fit right in with them, adopting all of their customs. As their name suggests, they simply do what needs to be done in order to fit in at the moment. Generally speaking, they won’t intentionally screw anyone over, but they will accidentally do it all the time because they are fundamentally unable to see the big picture.

4. THE BITCH: VINCE The bitch is a very special kind of man, often easily confused for an asshole. A primary difference between the asshole and the bitch is that where the asshole knowingly screws people over, the bitch is just so narcissistic that he is altogether unaware of the people he is screwing over, focused entirely on himself. The bitch is, generally speaking, either very physically attractive and successful, or so unique and special that people just put up with it. Physical beauty or celebrity status make it easy for a man to develop his inner bitch. But it often comes also from being coddled as a result of unique academic talents, artistic talents or inherited status from a family name or legacy of some sort.

The bitch doesn’t really do anything for himself, rather the sheer force of his charisma causes people to want to take care of his every whim and need. This further disables the bitch’s ability to take care of themselves, leading to excessive whining when they don’t get their way or don’t get their needs met by the lackies (often tools and douches) who surround them. They like to think that they are loved and that’s why people do things for them, but really they just can’t do it themselves, and their status is the lifeblood of the douches and tools around them, who suffer from the delusion that status is transferable by osmosis. A bitch is nothing without his tools and douches; tools and douches have no purpose without their bitch.

5. THE KEEPER: ERIC The keeper is, by far, the most common sub-species of men. The keeper is a guy who is able to hang with his pack, but still able to hold on to his own values and focus on a long-term plan that generally does not include screwing people over. He is able to get and keep his shit together without falling for the idea that he constantly needs more money, more things, more power and more pussy. He knows that his friends can be douches, tools, assholes and bitches, but he can see through that and stand by them without supporting – or taking part in – their inane behavior.

The keeper has a strong moral compass and will not say one thing and do another. He will protect himself, but put just as much energy into protecting the people he cares about. Keepers tend to be a little more quiet, awkward even, than other guys, so they are often hard to notice until other people – women, specifically – learn to look past the sound and fury that defines the other 4 primary sub-species of men. When people say things like “the meek shall inherit the earth,” they may well be referring to Keepers finally getting their due.

On the whole, there are more keepers than anything else, but in order to find them, one has to stop enabling the assholery and douchebaggery by rewarding it with money, power and pussy. This should trigger a Darwinian evolution of the male species by which body wash, bling, expensive cars and large-scale sperm casting become counter to the perpetuation of the species and eventually die off as traits of the species.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Annonymous permalink
    September 19, 2011 7:21 am

    Good article and good mapping out of men.

    A lot of this actually starts from women — and snowballed to this mess. This forms because often people aren’t thinking thoroughly and instead they make decisions based on signaling. Women during dating (especially deciding to take the first date) can use signaling — to select certain men and often rewarding the worst kinds. This is where strange behavior is rewarded, like women liking bad boys.

    Mystery is the name of a guy ( ) who wrote a book, had a TV show and teaches men during dating on how to use these irrational signals that work with women.

    The root cause is: Women sometimes chose to prefer the men with the worst behavior — aka bad boys. This probably comes from evolution where it needs some of the women to pair up with the asshole alpha male leading up the tribe, even though he beats people up and is horrible to women. (Asshole -> power -> stability -> surviving in times when most die)

    What is obvious: Some women love the full bore BAD BOY type
    What is not obvious: Other women will ignore the keeper for assholes who have variants of BAD BOY behavior.

    Let’s look at the list by weighing them as BAD BOYs:

    ASSHOLE: He is a BAD BOY with a kick ass job
    TURTTLE: He is the LAZY BAD BOY that is always playing video games
    DONNY DRAMA: He is the dumb copycat BAD BOY
    THE BITCH: He is the good looking or popular BAD BOY (In high school, look at the list of popular boys)
    THE KEEPER: He knows there are many situations where he could (should?) pull the asshole signaling move and get laid. But he doesn’t and misses out on getting laid. And more importantly, he misses out starting a string of dates with a girl he thinks is great, because she goes with guys giving the bad boy signals.

    FUN HOMEWORK: Go up to every KEEPER that you know. Ask them this question, “Tell me 5 stories when a girl you wanted to date turned you down for a BAD BOY. The BAD BOY then screwed over the girl.” I know every KEEPER will be able to tell you 5 horrible stories without blinking.

    > This should trigger a Darwinian evolution of the male species

    You are 100% right. There is a bubble of bad boys, because women reward them so systematically. Some guys in their teens are on the board-line heading to be a KEEPER but change direction to be a BAD BOY because they see what women reward. Women are the only one who can pop the bubble because they are the source which makes it so big. Like a 1998 VC who only invests too much money is a business model with no economic model in guys who will spend the money too fast and focused on flashy over prudent.

    Women, go change the world. It isn’t obvious but men are using the signals to the rewards in the club of bad boys. When the rewards are gone, most will change direction to try being keepers. Men are following. Woman change the root behavior (rewards) and men will follow.

  2. Alyssa Royse permalink
    September 19, 2011 7:24 am

    I don’t know who you are, but I love you. 😉 And agree with you 100%

  3. Annonymous man permalink
    September 19, 2011 9:08 am


    Training camp is in high school. In politics, there is the SWING VOTE. With men, in high school the SWING VOTE of men can become keepers or bad boys.

    High school boys in the swing vote look for this answer on which direction to go: “When a girl wants to have a one-night stand (or sleep with someone at a party), who does she pick? Football player / good looks / popular guy who is a bad boy? Or a keeper?”. Girls say their ideal boyfriend tends to match (football player / good looks / popular guy, even when they are horrible to women, instead of going with the keeper.)

    If there is a sizable enough group of girls doing this in high school, then it defines how this SWING VOTE of men goes, either bad boy or keeper.

    Note that 100+ years ago, the swing vote went to mostly keepers. (True bad boys have and will always be bad boys)

    Women, if you see you are a partial cause, then just don’t turn lesbian. Work on the fix instead. 🙂 Guys won’t because sexuality is our slave master.

    What has changed in 1980+ and made things a problem is our hyper-efficient dating market (around sleeping together, optimizing dating in high school, etc). Then people over optimize around these irrational signaling that are hyper-effective at rewarding the worst behavior. Then the snowballing starts until you see it in leading TV shows. :-O

    Keepers give women some leeway, even when they see women first hand causing this problem. The female behavior is probably rooted in caveman (cave-woman) days. Bad boys are also more than half the problem — they complete the cycle in the feedback loop, are sexually aggressive and let ethics go by the way side.

    What we end up with is: people tanning and turning orange, becoming workout monkeys, worshiping popularity in high school, plastic surgery, and on and on…

    Hopefully it will get better than worse. I’m glad I’m not dating. I’m a keeper (I think and hope) that was able to escape into happy married life. Maybe that is how we exit from this madness. It just sometimes doesn’t make it a fun journey.

  4. Bill permalink
    September 20, 2011 11:18 am

    It’s me again. As a happily married 61-year-old man and the father of two high-achieving daughters, I feel compelled to make a few observations of my own about the social conditioning of boys and men.

    First of all, here’s a gripe: I never fail to be disgusted by the hypocrisy of young guys who consider themselves to be politically “progressive,” but fail to apply principles of compassion and empathy in their own personal dealings with others (especially women). Decades ago as a college student during the Vietnam War, I once found myself in such a guy’s dorm room, where he was engaged in a conversation with other guys. I listened to him say how terrible the U.S. war effort was and that we had no business being there. Then in the same breath he started bragging how he had deceived a girl and had seduced her into having sex with him. I called him a jerk to his face and left. I’m not making a political statement here. I’m simply objecting to the blatant hypocrisy.

    The year before when I was a high-school senior, I once attended a group therapy session conducted by a clinical psychologist (who, incidentally, turned out to be an incompetent jerk). All the participants were teenage boys who were patients of his. They were talking about premarital sex. I was just as red-blooded as any of them were, but I was a virgin and would remain a virgin until I and my future wife got married. I had misgivings about using a young woman as a sex object. The thought of using another human being revolted me. The psychologist, being the jerk that he was, mocked me instead of having enough tolerance to appreciate a different point of view. So, I got up and left in protest.

    For generations the popular culture has been turning boys and men into jerks, and it’s only gotten worse. We have masculinity defined for us by the likes of Esquire magazine. Give me a break! Would such a magazine ever appreciate the manliness manifested by, say, a political dissident behind the Iron Curtain or a white Southerner who courageously opposed Jim Crow? Of course not, unless such a guy was getting laid with single young women.

    The popular culture doesn’t allow guys to be gentlemen, but instead glorifies the “playah.” Yeah, I know: What can you do about it? Boys need to develop the moral courage to march at the beat of another drummer instead of allowing the way they live to be shaped by the culture.

    Incidentally, there once was a time in my life when I thought that geeks were almost always the nice guys. I guess that’s not always true, eh?

    Just my two cents’ worth. I know I’m not a highly educated intellectual; but so it goes …

  5. Alyssa Royse permalink
    September 20, 2011 11:26 am

    In general, I gravitate towards geeks an nerds. 😉 But there is nothing worse than a geek with a grudge, a big bank account and a point to prove.

    And yes, we have forgotten human decency and respect. Instead, we make celebrities out of those who behave the worst in the most public manner….. we need to change that. Pronto. Like, before my daughter hits the dating pool.

  6. September 21, 2014 7:39 am

    LOL. I call dudes douches all the time. My IQ is 130-140. Question my intelligence all you want. I don’t care. It doesn’t rely on your opinion to exist.

    Douches are outmoded, and antithetical to their intended purpose. The term is accurate to both actual douches and certain guys (and sometimes ladies).

    Actual douches tend to reduce feminine health over time.

    I wouldn’t hang out with your “keeper” because his douchey friends would eventually find their way to our gatherings (OK, I might hang out with the guy if he could promise to keep a minimum of 1 full degree of separation between me and the rest of his life),

  7. Alyssa Royse permalink
    September 21, 2014 1:20 pm

    Ya, if the “keeper’s” douchey friends became too much a part of my life, I’d probably stop hanging out with him too. 😉

Wanna talk about it? Comment away, I'm paying attention.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: