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CrossFit Games Gets Sponsored By A Gun Company, and the comments restore my faith in humanity

July 13, 2016

wp-1468469490910.pngI’m sure I’ll be back soon with a long and scathing commentary about the awfulness of The CrossFit Games getting a sponsorship from Glock, and offering GUNS as prizes to the winners of the Games….

I mean…. WHAT THE FUCK. They combat the public health risk of Coca-Cola, and then give out guns as prizes. Nevermind that there is no connection between fitness and guns. Or that we are, as a country, mourning countless innocent people killed at the hands of yahoos with guns…..

And now, as affiliate owners, we are having this brand association connected to us. As if Dave Castro’s moron programming and endless homophobic, sexist douchebaggery weren’t enough for us to explain. “We’re not like that,” many of us have been assuring people for years. And now this.

I have already had a member ask me how my affiliate fee goes to promote gun violence in this country. WHAT THE FUCK? Read more…

Don’t Tell Me To Relax (and other reasons I don’t do yoga…)

June 17, 2016

10371931_10152624149170921_7456316836602545054_nThe minute you tell me to relax, center my energy, find peace in some fucking place in my body that is currently itching and maybe even has a rash, I will want to cut you, and that is not relaxing. (Seriously, don’t tell me how to feel, okay?) I am happy to try and contort myself into any position you want, because playing with bodies is pretty much my favorite thing in the world, and it feels good, which is probably why I tried yoga yet again, but why are you telling me how I should feel about it?

I feel about most yoga classes the same way I feel about Fitspo propaganda: it’s guilt inducing bullshit designed to trap you in a slow slink to idealized conformity that is soul-crushing and body-harming and fuck you very much.

There seems to  be this myth in the yoga world that “centered” looks like one thing, and is the goal. Or that “peace” is a thing you can achieve while licking your navel, or that “stillness” is where all the magic is, or…  And while I honestly believe that for some people, that’s the way it works, to approach a class of people and assume that same goal for everyone is no better than me approaching a class of CrossFitters and saying “if you work hard enough, you too can have a bikini body some day.”

Read more…

What To Say When You Find Out Your Kid’s A Rapist

June 5, 2016
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Brock Turner was convicted of violently raping an incapacitated woman, but his father, Dan, thinks his loss of appetite is enough punishment.

I’m a parent. I know what it’s like to worry, sometimes irrationally, about the horrors that could befall my kid. I have imagined everything from kidnapping to cancer, miscarriage to….. well, let’s just say that in my mind I have already nursed her through every injury, illness and personal tragedy that my very-creative mind can come up with.

I haven’t prepared for the possibility that she could be the perpetrator of horror on someone else’s child. But, thanks to Dan Turner, the clueless fuck of a father who raised Brock Turner, the aspiring young athlete who raped a drunk woman behind a dumpster when she was passed out, I have now thought that through too.

And I think I have a grasp on what I would say if I found out my kid was a rapist. Read more…

Why I Will Never Push You To Be The Best Athlete You Can Be

June 3, 2016


1398046_10153007485050921_6591550970884374896_oMy daughter, who is a certified coach twice over, is learning to coach. (No, being certified is not the same thing as knowing what you’re doing.) She was shadowing me the other night, and pointed out an athlete who could be “doing so much more.” She asked, as a good student would, how she should approach it.

“Don’t,” I told her. “It doesn’t matter.”

I am not someone who believes in pushing people to do things they don’t want to do. Even our beloved members at Rocket.

I mean, I’ll push them a little. I’ll nudge them to show up. I’ll tell them to keep going when they look like they want to stop. But why would I care if one of them is only back-squatting 80 pounds when I know they could totally be doing 120?

I don’t care. Because they don’t care.

I have a gym full of people who could be doing more. They could try harder, they could get more weight or more reps or more whatever. Read more…

How Does Your Small Business Serve Your Community?

March 18, 2016

Packed into Rocket CrossFit after a big Holiday Workout

My husband and I own a CrossFit gym. We squeeze more than 200 members into a 1,500 s/f gym, 14 at a time. Rocket CrossFit is not a fancy gym, though we’re well-equipped. We don’t send members to The CrossFit Games, nor do we care to. We keep our prices as low as we possibly can, because our goal is to increase community, not just make money (though this is our livelihood.) As a result, we know many of our neighbors, run into them everywhere, and they know each other. Many friendships have been formed over the years. We are a classic small, neighborhood business, with a classic impact on community.

When we opened, our mission statement never included the words “money” and “profit.” We wanted to empower people and create community.  We looked at the financial models, and knew that would come, but we didn’t put that first. IF, we believed, we could build a thriving community, the numbers would serve us and our business would thrive. We were right.  Read more…

Please DO NOT Workout Today!

March 14, 2016

Me, clearly bumming, in my happy place.

I spent the last two days doing the CrossFit Level 2 training, which was chock full of nonstop learning. But, being a very shy introvert with ADHD, it also left me with a lot of time to think about things that happen in my gym, and probably every other gym out there. In one of my very few moments of speaking out loud, I said something about wanting to ban sick people from working out and getting everyone else sick, which garnered a quick “don’t even get me started,” from Nadia, our inimitable cruise director  with a relentless smile who has, surely, seen it all.  And germy students is certainly an issue we all know well…… Read more…

My Boobs Are Conspiring Against Me

March 11, 2016

Katy Perry, who I secretly love, from her California Gurls video.

I got the letter in January. I made the call in March. Why? Because when I got the letter in January, I read it as saying “your breasts are trying to kill you, and they’re going to win this time, so say good-bye to everyone you love because you’ll be dead by the weekend, sucka.” What it really said was, “You are due for your routine mammogram. Please call at your convenience to make an appointment.”

Seeing as I don’t find impending doom to be convenient at all, I waited 3 months.  Read more…

Your Hatred of TV is Totally Elitist.

February 18, 2016

Football in a barThe small handful of us who spend time on the Facebook page of Columbia City, Seattle know that the wonderful TV show Portlandia has nothing on Columbia City. I have started – and probably need to pursue for the sheer irony of it now – a sitcom based on this page. A page where people can fight over anything. Dog poop in someone else’s trash can. (Neatly wrapped, mind you, in a biodegradable poop bag.) Someone’s neighbor sunbathing naked in their own backyard, where the neighbor kids could see boobies from a second story window. (BOOBIES!) The various pros and cons of speed-limits, bikes, Air Bnb, you name it. The sanctimony can swirl over any condescending kerfuffle. It’s really quite delicious.

I own a gym in the neighborhood. I have a member who isn’t on Facebook (yes, they exist,) but whenever I see her she asks me to retell the antics of the page (I do the voices and everything,) as if it were a Soap Opera. Which it is.

It is absurd.

But the other day, there was a thread so steeped in elitist arrogance that I couldn’t just stalk. And now I can’t let it go. Read more…

Apologies To Those Nader Supporters.

February 12, 2016

NaderTimeIt is with no shortage of fear (and crow) that I need to apologize to all you Nader supporters. You know the ones, the ones who gave us Bush as a president. I’ve been pissed at you for years, because if you hadn’t thrown your vote away, and voted for a Democrat like you should have, we wouldn’t have been fucked by a Bush, something we’re still sore from. I’m not kidding. I was pissed at you.

But now? I think I get it. And it terrifies me. Because I may be about to do it too.

Which is why I need to apologize. Read more…

11 Questions To Ask Your Partner

January 29, 2016

Photo by Flickr user David Trawin

11 Questions To Ask Your Partner If You Want A Slow and Agonizing Way Out Of Your Relationship

  1. If I didn’t exist, which one of your co-workers / friends / clients would you want to hook up with?
  2. If you could change anything about my body, what would it be?
  3. If you met me now, instead of when we met, would you still want to go out with me?
  4. What’s the one thing that you know I’ll never do sexually that you think about and really wish I would do?
  5. How am I different from the person you always thought you’d wind up with?
  6. What’s the most important thing that you gave up to be with me?
  7. If I gain – or lose – a ton of weight, would you still want to fuck me?
  8. What drives you the most crazy, in the bad way, about me?
  9. Besides me, what was the best sex you ever had?
  10. Which one of my friends would you hook up with if I didn’t exist?
  11. What do you miss most about your life before we got together?

Read more…